I'm going to jump into a 21-day fast with a group starting on Aug 1st which will also include staying off all social media. I'll still blog and be available for multiplayer gaming since that is psychological support for people stuck in situations dealing with everything from anxiety to terminal illness. I'll also be available on my usual direct messaging apps for people needing to reach me personally.
Additionally, medias like TV, movies, and social medias
I'm choosing liquids fasting for 2 meals a day at least 3 days a week, liquids fasting for 1 meal a day the other days. I am diabetic without medication control. I'm in the habit of carb counting, and I sometimes forget to eat all day, which you'd think would make this a cinch, but I also have a spoonie history and can't *just* stop eating without crashing into walls when I don't pay attention. In my 20's I could hardcore fast whenever I wanted for days at a time, doesn't work that way for me now. I know from experience that I feel better and have more energy when I fast, plus it's a great way to control my A1C as long as I don't carb load on the meals I do eat.
Side note on the way I eat in general.
I have absolutely no wheat in my diet in any form since 2014 when I very suddenly developed anaphylaxis reactions to it.
The only liquids I drink are bottled or filtered water (osmosis), milk, 1 cup of coffee a day, and occasional decaf green tea. I never drink sweetened drinks even if it has no calories. Juices are used extremely sparingly since I'm diabetic.
I avoid big meals, preferring much smaller amounts of food at a time.
I avoid rice and potatoes at least 6 days out of 7 because it's just too much starch and spikes glucose.
I use a prebiotic whey based protein mix from https://greensfirst.com/ when I miss getting proteins other ways.
I like vegetables pan roasted in a little olive oil with aged balsamic and parmesan.
I also like oats in some form if I feel I need some kind of carb boost for some reason. Doesn't take much to feel full.
Cheese is my friend. I feel sorry for people who can't eat cheese.
I get organic eggs from my chickens.
I'm not afraid of butter and bacon. I lost 50 pounds one year eating all the butter and bacon I wanted. It's the sugar and carb loading that kills us.
I'm not very into salt. I rarely salt anything.
Transparency- My mom said she craved lots of waffles and syrup and fudgesicles when she was pregnant with me, plus she was on darvocet. I was born addicted and grew up on plenty of sugar despite living on an organic farm. By the time I was in my late 40s I was so crippled I could barely move around my house until a doctor finally diagnosed me with diabetes, which took a heavy toll on my liver and kidneys and my immune system. Since I changed my diet in 2011 I have been regaining my health to the point where I can nearly pass for normal now, including a physical stress test on a treadmill. I'm 60. My organ problems have all gotten much better, my health is very stable now, and doctors tell me I'm young for my age. I was fast tracking to an early death, now I'm completely off that track and doing fantastic. If you are looking for help with your health and diet plans, consider finding supportive groups that regularly go through fasting together so you'll have people you can check in with and not be alone. Even if you're not a churchy person, some of the best fasting groups are with churchy people. If you've never fasted before, you need to consider your activity level before you start, or start slow and easy. Fasting doesn't work if you fill up the holes with sugars and starches instead of proteins and healthy fats.
If you are diabetic and don't know where to start with carb counting, I wrote a couple of articles you might find very helpful.
Personal opinion- Some kinds of food are as addicting as drugs for some people and it can be very hard to change that lifestyle all on your own. This is what the deep state and big pharma want. The best way you can fight NWO, WHO, and the United Nations agendas is to get healthy so you can be good for the people around you.
Back to the fasting list. I'm also choosing to stay off all social medias for 21 days because I don't think I've done that since I came back out public in 2012. I made a promise to check in publicly since no one knew what happened to me when I went completely off grid for nearly two years and watched people who knew who I was in fandoms persistently checking my sites to see if I was ok or something. Since I've come out public as a real person, more people all over the world check on me sometimes daily than they do on my fandom content. I promised to never leave anyone hanging like that again.
Best wishes to anyone considering making this huge decision and changing your life. You are important and deserve better. I love you.
The dream I just woke up from was weirdly not any kind of my usual in any format, but now that I've woken up this way from it, I recognize that it's connected to other dreams.
I had lost my watch (I don't wear a watch), which was big and klunky with round face, but I'd found another watch with a square face and was wearing it. There was way more before and some after, but it was at the point where I was about to keep the other watch that my dad showed up, and he only shows up in my dreams to literally wake me up from nightmares, just about never any other time. But instead of waking up this time I started looking around me more.
In the dream I had to drive around looking for an office I had an appointment in. I wasn't able to park close so I had to walk a ways lugging around something semi heavy. Whatever that was changed a little but wound up being a strange purse (the kind I'm not fond of and never buy) by the time I got to a waiting room.
In the waiting room were people I knew supposedly in real life, although now that I'm awake I don't recognize them, even though I still feel like I knew them from somewhere. We had all been scheduled for some kind of checkup (check in?) and it was a bit bizarre compared to real life waiting rooms. On one end of the room was what looked like a Christmas shop but was also like a Christmas wiki jammed full of everything you never really knew about Christmas, with a big desk and a few service people. It was nearly like something retail but not really, more like a Christmas subscription service along the lines of insurance reps helping people map out their Christmas plans. I wasn't interested in a plan so I didn't stay over there long.
After that I got a special tweet from someone I don't usually tweet with but did briefly months ago. The tweet came with a rolled up piece of paper that shared how that person had found a special group of people whose history went way back and they were all about organizing something, and whoever was reading this could also join. I'm not real clear on what they were about now that I'm awake.
Part of my wait was in a big empty hallway with only one other person talking to me while I changed out my top, not sure if I was putting on a scrub top. Then I had to go back to the regular waiting room, which had different people in it when I got back. I started wondering what was taking so long, then I couldn't find my watch, then I found someone else's watch and put it on. That was when my dad showed up.
Soon afterward, a sort of nurse administrator or something came to get me and walked me to another office area with a nearly empty room with a round table where she was going to get some blood, and nothing about that room was health care, more like just an empty room in a big office building. She was talking to me like I should remember her and I didn't, and she was concerned that I wasn't wearing the right watch and that they were having trouble getting something out of me. In the dream it was like she was saying they couldn't get a good blood draw, but now that I'm awake I can see it had absolutely nothing to do with a blood draw, more like they couldn't get what they wanted from my head and why was I not cooperating.
So I started just talking about nonsense and apparently woke myself up. And now that I'm awake, she seems very familiar, like from several extremely different dreams that have popped back into mind since then, including this one 👉(I've been told to SHUT UP) and another one about having a baby and an arm cut off and something in my brain or something, different building.
I feel like this dream is connected to my phone change.
Speaking of phone change, these new phones are crap for privacy right off the bat. I've been able to keep my worlds apart for years, have been unsearchable as both pen name and real name, but since I got my new phone, the 'publisher' scammers (they're NOT publishers) are not only using my real name now, but asking my real name if I know my pen name, there is something very important they have to tell me. My new phone allows me to share phone messages, I'm thinking about sharing this last one to my blog. Anyway, I demonstrated how the blog monitoring briefly stopped after my old phone was deactivated and mentioned that the calls stopped but then stepped way up after that. The thing with buying a new phone is that the second you turn it on and log into anything google, it's immediately trying to sync and share before you can turn that off, and it found all my stuff before I even got home with it. Then when I paired my phones to shift my storage over, my new phone took it upon itself (thank you, AI) to establish all the things I'd kept apart as one whole. And suddenly the 'literary agent' scam callers know both my names. I went many years keeping those names apart.
It's like they're letting me know that I'm still being heavily monitored. This last dream was obviously directed. When a person in a dream pumps me for information and I'm supposed to explain something that I already know to someone who has nothing to do with me in real life in any fashion, or when a person in a dream tells me what I'm not supposed to be talking about, THAT is suspect. Most of my dreams are simply doing things or figuring something out or watching something. I rarely ever go through direct prodding like that.
I don't think I was supposed actually remember this dream person as a person. I wasn't supposed to wake up when I did. I think my dad disrupted it when I found the other watch and put it on. After that I felt more aware of what was going on in the dream.
This is why I might tell someone not to tell me who they are in real life. Several very obvious things started synching after I tightened up that minecraft seed, and the weirdness in real life is getting weirder.
I'm not behaving and AI wants to know why. We're all supposed to be in patterns.
Taking a break. Too much real life. I got cranky and I need to chill.
So I've been doing this singleplayer with a special seed for awhile, more in a holding pattern than anything while I think about what I want to do next, because it's going to be BIG, and while I was doing dishes today I suddenly had this vision of where and how to start when alla sudden a small gray streak across my yard and up a tree caught my attention and guess what. We know who the tomato thief is now.
I need to find a way to withdraw and avoid real people again, which will be challenging since I talk to so few actual people and sometimes they come into my house. I keep PTSD triggering and it hasn't helped at all that *cough*someone*cough* refuses to take an arterial bleed seriously. I dragged him up to an urgent care clinic the other day after he came home with blood all over a leg of his jeans and his sock was so bad I threw it away, he'd tried to bandage a tiny hole spurting blood everywhere after he bumped the scab off at work from an injury he got two days before that helping someone move heavy furniture and never paid attention to it or told me about it, so by the time we got to clinic it was too late to stitch or seal and they said if it keeps bleeding to go to ER. Well, that is out of the question with this super stubborn rugged individualist, so I practically sat on him making him let me bandage it properly because they were so sloppy at the clinic overwrapping too tightly that it was causing too much pain to walk. I did clinicals in a nursing home, I grew up with a Mennonite father on a farm, *I know wound care*. Does that matter? No. So I got extremely bossy and viola, great wound healing this week.
Except the bandage came off today and he didn't tell me, it's all dried up now and the slightest bump will set it off again. I didn't find out for hours. So I rebandaged and said if it starts spurting streams of blood all over everything again, we ARE going to ER, and he blew me off and went back outside.
I get the rugged tough man thing, I get the aging guy blowing stuff off thing, I get that I'm dismissable because wives are just noisy furniture to walk around when something more important needs doing, like shoveling mulch off a trailer, but I don't get why it's ok for him to be like that and nobody else. Because the same thing is going on next door, he and his sibs feel dismissed by their mom and have already abandoned the actual GOAL of establishing that they can walk into the house any time they want to check on their 90 year old mom because the druggie doesn't own the house and isn't the boss and they don't get they. are. just. like. their. mother. They are flighty and bitey and flippant and just as easily deterred from doing what is right as the mom who won't kick the druggie out of her house. They refuse to focus on mom and not the nephew. And it's the same thing with this injury. No matter how tiny that hole looks, an unstopped bleed or infection could take down the entire organism and that is just utterly dismissable because it isn''t part of a personal agenda.
😑
I am so tired of attitudes.
And I'm really tired of being dismissed. That is one of several things that are actually pretty big deals and it doesn't matter at all whether I have years of experience and great problem solving skills.
Just love them anyway. Go back on game, get my mind off, and just love them anyway.
We interrupt this post for a complete rewrite. Disregard the caution.
(bunch of deleted stuff)
Back to gaming. The big group communication fail was that they filled chat up with wordy passive aggressive complaints without directly calling anyone out by name and correcting them. I ran off to group email, titled it "BLUE FOR MAP 3" and wrote one line "Stay on blue, thx", and immediately one of the players self corrected. They didn't even have to open the email, the instructions showed up just fine. Passive aggressive fail is FAIL. Learn this and your life will go way easier. We lost our best player over that fail.
Another decision I had made during gaming in that guy's huge shadow was closing down some of my cities because his demands were too high for casual game play and experimentation. He was a rigid playing in a weekly rut kind of guy and that's what he taught other players to do with their gaming, as well. Since I've escaped I've opened my other cities back up and it's been marvelous and very relaxing. When I closed them down, I just ripped it all out and sold everything off, which gave me so much freedom coming back to plan the cities back out that it's been extremely pleasurable.
Back to school is also my happy place. I've always loved back to school shopping. I get great sales on my own stuff. I hadn't splurged on new anything in years while the kids were here and the surgeries and my dad dying and stuff, so this summer I very much enjoyed hitting the sales and refreshing my inner wardrobe and pajamas and a couple of things I was needing in the house. And today I did really big grocery shopping because we finally had the money in between stuff. I even enjoyed the weird summer heat in a way. It was so out of season that it seemed weirdly beautiful the way everything dried up, and then last night the rain finally started and kept going today and we might get more through the week, so even though our garden burned up (despite constant watering), we might still get a few tomatoes after all. And the chickens seem to have survived the heat ok, still eating and laying and not picking on each other.
~~~~~~~~~
Ok, so I didn't rewrite, I just deleted stuff.
Sunglasses won't stay on.
Neither will the shoes.
If you get a surprise shopping for phones, it was us. 😂
Trying to grow out my bangs. I can't get them to stop looking so dramatic.
Looking up the latest publisher calling and leaving a message. Office near the beach?
From 2015. I linked a Sept 2015 thread on TruthSocial.
I know, just playing around on my new phone. If the world were nicer I'd share loads more. Oh, well.
Oh, yeah, we had a sort of fugitive in the area the other night.
Not the first time very wasted persons have walked around the area trying to get into cars and whatnot. One nearly OD'd just feet from my driveway one year, cop saved his life.
We need pretty things here. Hang on while I get them. I got them off twitter.
When we think on beautiful things, we create our beautiful selves.
I didn't realize because I haven't been paying attention, but I'm catching on why the spikes in the phone calls lately. My materials are being checked on regularly for updates alla sudden from the same places the phone calls come from, and they have finally noticed how I networked all the blogs and used them over time to create a huge easter egging cross referencing system so that anyone can look for anything they are interested in.
You can't do that with BOOKS. I can't move my live blogging into hard copy to sell out of warehouses. The whole point to this working is that it's about more than just words. You can literally see my emotions captured in timestamps, the colors of my life, in blogs.
They want to capitalize on that. They want to make it boring and bind it all into black and white and then sell it. I'm already being read all over the world for free.
This is an autist showing you how cool the world of publishing COULD be.
Little kid birthday week!!! 😍 I'm already caked out and I haven't even made it yet.
Not sure what all we'll get to, but we have plans to grow crystals, hopefully that works out. Last time she was here we did a different craft and it turned out to be much harder than it looked and took a bit of time to get it done. The crystals will take much longer.
The heat outside is insane. The chickens need ice cubes in their water. By the end of the day the water is almost too hot to drink, even not sitting in the sun, and we have to change it out to cooler water before they roost for the night so they won't dehydrate.
Playing with little codes while I listen to a meditation guide while I wait for my game timers to pop. If you see little hearts falling, I just did that.
This is my fave binary graphic. If you click it you can get to the page I got it from.
I just really like that.
I think I've been naturally able to space out into meditation all my life. When I first learned about meditation years ago, I struggled with trying to focus on it because I kept spacing out and forgetting I was supposed to be meditating. 😂
When I space out, everything immediate around me is as forgotten as it is when I'm sleeping, just a background that doesn't involve me. I can do this just about anywhere, any time. All I have to do is just stare off at a wall or a something and next thing you know, time has passed and I haven't felt it passing at all. I'm still aware but not of myself. It's like I'm part of everything while I randomly wander. I guess some people can't just let go like that. Some people I know get really tense if they sit still with nothing to do or talk about or look at or think about. Sometimes it's like they're fighting to stay focused on being super awake and the second they let go they literally fall asleep. I can't even imagine not being able to space out like I do.
At any rate, I do it so much that I learned long ago how to multitask while I'm spaced out. It's like I can run several tracks in my head at once without colliding the trains. It's way more stressful on me to have to focus back onto one track and 'be here' with other people. I can do that fairly well for awhile, like an hour or two, or half a day if I have to, but by the time I can let go of that in the now kind of immediate interaction focus, I'll have a headache. Nearly every autist I've met says the same thing.
Nothing like a meditation guide vid suddenly fuzzing out into some weird digitized smear of sound. That'll snap a person back.
I guess it's time to move on. My game popped half an hour ago and I have nothing else to do right now but wish a few things. See you laterz.
The France thing seems to have stopped on the little Pinky blog.
It stopped briefly on the big Pinky blog and then started back up.
Again, this has been going on very regularly all day long 24/7 for over 5 years from only one user in France with possibly a second device thrown in for a little sport.
Was easy to notice it was interrupted when my old phone was officially deactivated. I've written several posts through the years regarding specific synched post hits that have identical phrases and topics with what I'm saying in a psychologist's office at the same moment. It started when I called out Vivendi, basically the world communications oligarchy.
I'm sure some of you find that boring. You completely miss how alarming it is that you've got listening devices around you 24/7 that AI monitors and tags across the webs, and you'll never see it happening unless you are a stats watcher like me. They've got years of collected personal info on all of us. It's not new. It's all automated.
On to other things.
I don't think I mentioned last week except on Twitter that Trixie croaked off. She was a Black Australorp with a skin problem, possibly a nervous system problem like localized tingling or maybe even arthritis along her spine or something. She picked all her feathers out around the oil glands above her tail and over time continued to rip feathers out along her spine until her back was bare in a long narrow triangle, with the base just above her tail and the point at the back of her neck where she couldn't reach any higher. I've raised chickens all my life and never saw that before, so I feel like it was a localized pain thing, maybe. She lived to a year and 3 months old. The last couple of months she was still laying and eating well but didn't feel like venturing very far from the henhouse while the others wandered around. She seemed fine otherwise, no other problems. The other hens were unaffected, so it wasn't a parasite or anything viral. At the end of her last day she was suddenly too weak to hop onto even to lowest rung on the roost and snuggled into the straw under it. She died peacefully in her sleep. 😔
I don't tend to gossip about people I game with but one guy in particular was one of the sweetest monsters I ever met. Sometimes when it's over you just need to obit someone, so here we go. I'm not going to name him or anything, I'll just call him 'he'.
He first contacted me early spring of 2021. Come join our group, etc. Very normal, groups are always recruiting, but this guy was way more chatty in DMs so naturally I was wary, years of experience with sweet chatty guys always having some kind of agenda. But over a month he wore me down and I joined his group. He wasn't the leader, but he was definitely working that group to get what he wanted. It seemed like everyone liked him, but every little bit I pulled him aside and was like Look, not all players have the financial capability to put as much into game as you push for, don't push so hard to get something YOU want. And he was always super sweet about it, but it was a continual daily cheerleading effort to grow his own wealth on group support. I'd never seen anyone work so hard for game wealth, so smooth like he was ace in customer support or something.
Over time I learned he was around 50, very mathy, I'd say typical autist type who had learned long ago how to survive in his real life jobs by very sweetly manipulating coworkers and bosses. It's a rare talent, most people have no clue how used they are for a very long time. Watching that technique in game was mesmerizing. His patience for ends justifying means was almost top quality evil because underneath everything was this very innocuous selfishness glossed over with sticky sweet cheerleading.
Over more time I learned that he'd played a coup on a previous group, breaking them literally in half and taking members with him to a new group whose leader was a sucker for his sweet persistence. It wasn't surprising, then, when about 4 months after I joined his group, he led another coup to still another group. He'd been sweet talking a new leader who had bigger ambitions and higher ranked players and apparently talked his way into forming a new group with part of that person's old group and our group. Basically, two groups were ripped apart over this move. I followed more out of morbid curiosity than anything. I'm not a terribly ambitious player.
The thing about gaming is when you work with other players in groups over time, you get to know them a little, and you forge relationships no matter how minor. You get used to people. In gaming, people come and go regularly, there's no real commitment, but it's still a camaraderie in its way. What I further learned about this guy was that he's actually not a gamer. This was his first ever online game, his first experience with group gaming, and he had absolutely no feelings for the actual people gaming, despite all the sweet talk. He was very, very good at getting to know people and then using them for his own gain and making it all look like it was something we all wanted. I continued to pull him aside here and there to remind him people are real and it's not really cool to expect them to keep putting so much effort into his personal game goals, keeping in mind he used the group leaders to 'get rid' of players who didn't perform to his expectations. I went out of my way to hammer out very specific details with the new group leader about expectations so new recruits would have a heads up. I don't believe in pulling rugs out from under people like a dictator.
So that went on about 9 months before I finally decided I just need to pull out, my real life was way too hectic to keep up with that group, despite that I'd been given a nice rank and was regularly put in charge of the hardest event in the whole game. Our group was amazing, and everyone said it was thanks to me showing them how to remain stress free and still stay on track with goals. I found out later that the group literally exploded after I left, and once again, another coup happened, and the way he slid into one of the top 5 groups in the entire server, you know he was sweet talking his way in way before the coup happened. He'd already been planning it, didn't have a second thought about dumping everyone else in a ditch, and the group leader he left was so devastated that he told me he didn't have the heart to game any more. THAT is how people are affected by players who sweet talk and use them for months on end.
Fortunately, I've group gamed for years and I know stuff happens. I'm almost like the psychologist of group gaming everywhere I go, was always into social psychology in my degree program. It took awhile for me to adapt to group gaming myself because I'm autist and have my own difficulties with interaction, but basic takeaway is that some people simply don't respect others as living breathing life forms with feelings and have no qualms about treating them poorly. This guy was sensational at it.
So in the time I knew him, in one year flat he pulled off 3 coups, leaving wakes of devastated corpses strewn around, and as far as I know, I may be the only one he contacted afterward to stay in touch. He originally opted not to pursue friendship outside of game, so he blew that chance. Trying to stay friends with me with sudden real life tidbits was almost like a desperate hook for validation or something. So let's continue with his real life.
He refused to share much of anything real to any group, although we eventually found out he was married and had a grown son. The lockdowns were very depressing for him, but instead of finding connections in game, he found challenge and nicely stepped all over people. That made me wonder what his real life must be like. He seemed competent intellectually, very sensible with strategy and planning, but I'd never seen anyone put so much effort into other people without actually connecting. Was his real job like that? I kept thinking how he'd be great at human resources, hiring and firing, or maybe customer service and support, because he just wouldn't get caught up in guilt about anything he had to do. I never did find out what his real job was. But after the last coup and his attempts at 'friendship' (with an agenda, he needed validation), it became obvious the lockdowns took a toll on his marriage. His wife went out drinking with girlfriends after the lockdowns lifted, and he stayed home gaming. THAT was weird. He was so obsessed that he literally stayed home gaming. And then she left him. And he evidently finally found someone to take to a hotel room, called her his "GF" which I found distasteful, and then mentioned enjoying McDonald's coffee with her outside watching the sunrise.
And that was the perfect picture for what kind of man he is. EFFICIENT. I can't imagine what all his wife must have put up with. I was appalled he only offered McDonald's breakfast *outside* before the very brief tryst was over for the day, especially at his age. I didn't want any more details than that, I've had quite enough of his personality. I get that he's probably struggled all his life with being autist, but to live this long and not pick up on how his own attitude was devastating people all around him is just sad. He didn't keep me as a friend because he cared about me at all. I wasn't anyone special. I was conveniently nice to him after he bombed everyone else. That was it.
I needed to get all that off my chest. I am like that, morbidly curious about people and how they wind up like they are, but I rarely go to that length finding out what I know. Like I said, he was mesmerizing. It was like watching a super villain.
I'll have to come back to this. I'm taking my mother-in-law to an eye appointment today and I need to get a few things done first.
Ok, I've got a few minutes before I have to go. I didn't mean to make it sound like that guy had no life at all. After lockdown lifted he had a somewhat extravagant vacation planned, so he evidently had money, but we never knew if he would be traveling with anyone or alone. The way he brought up real life was a bit mysterious and I don't know if that was on purpose, but game just seemed so all-important that everyone around him was run ragged keeping up, many pumping real money into advancing and leveling faster because he was so impatient for his goodies. In a nice way. I started the game about a month before him and while it can take many people years to complete all the chapters, he's already in a top group several chapters way ahead of me. Money seems to be no object.
Ok, letting that go. Next thing that has been on my mind is the story about the axe. I'm not going to look up where it comes from, but when I was young I read a fairy tale about a young woman who was preparing for her wedding the next day, and as she was going down the cellar steps to get something she noticed a big axe stuck in the ceiling above the steps and got caught up in seeing a terrible future where one day one of her own children might be going down those same steps and be killed by that axe falling out of the ceiling. She was gone so long that her mother thought to check on her and found her crying on the cellar steps. She told her mother the story about what if that horrible thing happens, and her mother sat down and wept with her, what a terrible thing. After they were gone so long, other family members showed up, heard the story, then joined in the weeping, wringing their hands. Who could prevent this terrible future? Why did this have to happen?
Eventually, the young woman's fiance found the entire family weeping together on the steps, asked what was wrong, and they explained how awful it would be someday if his son or daughter were going down the steps and that axe fell on them and killed them. Without a word, the fiance reached up over them and pulled the axe out and put it away where it belonged.
In real life I am that guy married into a one of the most continual crisis drama families I've ever seen. I bring this up because of the stuff in the past posts, the continuing fail situations that keep missing a series of opportunities because the emotional flux is so chaotic that they can't stay focused on priorities and timing their goals. Ironically, these are people who live long lives and seem to thrive on stress. Fixing some of their problems looks so easy to me, and I can see exactly what to do when to make all the right things happen, but no matter how much time I invest in trying to relate key information leading to winning situations, focus flies off the rails.
I've learned over the years to just stay emotionally distanced, don't get dragged in, stay focused on my own life, but as we're all aging together I'm seeing worlds of deep pain coming because they'll not get the closure they all need. It's one thing to ignore another family's bitterness and anger for years, it's another to realize how that will affect me personally when the central person dies gruesomely in a filthy house with neglected dogs and a drug addict in the way of anyone else attempting to help out. At least I've convinced them to get more involved, daily checkins, making sure she's eating real food, much needed home maintenance and once a week house cleaning and helping her bathe. I can't even tell ya what it was like for me watching her totally recluse into grown grandkids squatting in her house like a drug den and the entire property turning into white trash complete with vehicles parked any old where with raised hoods left up rain and shine, trash thrown out back of the house. We're in a nice neighborhood, retirees around us include a judge, police, couple of teachers. All the neighborhood kids have grown up and moved on, but next door is a sad little comic strip. The yard used to be stunning with rare collectible flower bulbs and bird houses everywhere, now it's junky and neglected.
If that were my mom I'd have been down there every day all through the lockdown. I'd have kicked the dogs out long ago and called cops on the druggie. If she were my mom I'd have called 9-1-1 when she fell and her head was bleeding instead of covering for a dangerous situation to protect someone else. If she were my mom I'd have stomped everyone flat by now letting an old woman live so alone and so trapped to the point where she may not have even bathed for months.
I'm very allergic to dogs so I haven't been able to go into the house since the lockdowns started and that guy moved in. She's not my mom so no one listened to me saying she needs to be checked on because their own cranky baggages about the past were so distracting to them. Their own hurt feelings from the past were as big a deterrent to caretaking as their repulsion for their nephew. The most ridiculous part of all was that out of 7 adults (her 4 kids, 2 of one their kids and a friend of theirs), she was the one trying to get a hard to control dog out to pee and she can barely walk across her own house as it is between vertigo and arthritis. She's a tiny woman and she's 90, it keeps blowing my mind how little any of these people can grasp of how difficult her life might actually be and that she may not be choosing this but surviving it, especially if she's being pushed around, both figuratively and physically. Just because no one can figure out why she isn't asking for help doesn't mean she wants to live like that.
It's also triggering my own flashbacks of grinding through 15 years of being DPOA to both my own parents and their lengthy demises. I already know what is coming and how it's going to affect everyone. I can't even imagine going to the grave bitter. Having to watch the people around me grind their wheels in the mud over not understanding why their mom doesn't love them is very wearing.
Now it's today.
I just wanna say, compared to the way my mom went down and how difficult it was dragging across miles and years handling situations, this one next door looks so much easier to me. Everyone lives close enough to actually be helpful, she's still on her feet and able to talk coherently, and she actually has a fixed income and medicare paying bills. The idea, the possible visual that she could be found cold on the filthy floor with starving dogs licking her corpse is unacceptable to me. That alone should be the driving force behind everything else. Nothing else should even matter in that light. Who *lets* their mom die that way??? I want to pull the axe out. They're not bad kids, just ridiculously traumatized with no penchant for long-term problem solving. Emotional gut reacting is more riveting and destructive than anything to them.
I've gotta let that go and move on. It's actually kind of hard to move on because in another situation I'm watching from a distance, a person a little older than me has been so ridiculous about neglecting her own health that she's recently arrived to a place where doctors at a big cancer hospital say the tumor inside of her is the biggest one of that kind they've ever seen, ever. She's breaking records. And instead of dealing head on, she's still hiding it from people who depend on her, so once she abruptly goes down into a months-long recovery from a whopper of a surgery, everyone else is suddenly left scrabbling for what to do about the hole that just ripped into their lives after promises to do this or be there for that. I mean, how would you feel if a sibling promised to watch your house and be caretaker for someone plus the neighbor's dog while people in both homes are on a cruise and some other vacation and then *bam* surgery the day before you leave. That level of awkwardness could all be avoided, but nooooo. I wouldn't even care but since my kiddo is the only person privy to the secrets and sworn not to announce and used continually for attention and support while she's juggling a baby and an autistic kiddo of her own is the most imbalanced emotional dysfunction I've ever heard of. I thought it was bad watching them go through hurricanes from a distance, this is worse because it's neverending. My patience with some of the ways people think is growing so thin I can barely keep from going full sith and remote tearing up the city around them with the dark side. I've been having to do extra extra relaxations and distractions just to stay in my own timeline and be good for the people around me. I'm always the one stepping back letting others walk their paths and figure out their own stuff, but lately I wanna just smash all their legos and rebuild. I'm sure the prednisone didn't help that at all.
Ok, I allowed all that to come out, now let's redirect. I've gotten a couple of pictures lately that I keep forgetting to post anywhere.
It's really beautiful outside but it's been so hot it's hard to go out there.
So the phone calls have really stepped up this last week but yesterday was almost off the hook. Direct calls from sales reps for purportedly legit publishing companies coming almost back to back from different states now on my unlisted number, like what are they doing, passing it around? And now they're using my real name. Since the new phone change. Between the weird blog stats suddenly dropping and the weird phone calls coming in all right after my phone deactivation (with years of documentation on privacy invasion) is almost like I'm being flat out told I'm being monitored and there's no getting away from that. Whatever. AI games and stuff.
Gotta let that go, too. Not sure what continuing to make that point is about, maybe I just feel like pushing back.
I know this is long, leave me alone. Blogger keeps trying to tell me my text is too long to check for grammar corrections. Suck it, blogger.
I think I just needed to put all this somewhere so I can walk away the rest of the day. I need to enjoy doing a few things without anything dragging me down. Here I go.
