I've lost where I got that artwork from so I went over to tineye to see where it originated from, and earliest found is Feb 7, 2008 on someone's photobucket that is no longer there, and apparently it proliferated across the webs since then and got used for other things, so I guess it's just public now. I really like it.
So the whole root canal thing wound up referring to a specialist in Springfield, and I got that done this morning, yay.
While I'm swimming through this amount of pain in my *face* (2 months of physical therapy on dislocated jaw and a tooth blowing up on that side right by the joint, whee), I'm just super gaming my way through chores around the house. It's too hot out this week to go hang out with the chickens, which is fine, it'll give my chigger bites time to stop itching. Chiggers are teeny weeny and you can't see or feel them, grass in SW MO is thick with them. The bites itch like mad for about 3 days and then it's just over unless you're dumb enough to scratch them open and complicate getting over it. I use solarcaine, slap that stuff on and numb the itch, seems to work pretty well. Anyway, so I'm hanging out in two different gaming servers just staying busy. I'd like to read but I keep falling asleep on these pain pills, which has been pretty nice because I've lost so much sleep last couple months that it's been blissful to catch up a bit.
Also been a little lurky, checking on a few people here and there seeing how they're doing and stuff. I'm feeling super reclusive last few weeks, probably pretty normal for autist in boosted pain levels, and I'm especially not caring much about anything going on the news. I've been marathoning the Sliders series and several Star Wars movies, when Scott's home after work or on weekends we've been rewatching the Wheel of Time and Obi-Wan series. Other projects around the house are including converting one of the upstairs bedrooms to a crafting room, plus it's got a desk and TV so it'll be like a chick den. Dunno what Scott will do with the other bedroom but I'm sure it'll be way more guy. And we're working on expanding the garden. We've had small gardens spread out like little islands around the yard and under the kitchen window for years, but I'd like to get a bit more serious about it, so Scott staked out a length of yard to commit to getting some fresh dirt, mulch, and aged muck from a horse farm up the road to prepare for some real small time farming, lol. Kinda have a feeling we'll be needing stuff to trade with other neighbors doing gardens if the food eco keeps spiraling.
So that's what's up if anyone is wondering and I'm not bouncing around on medias or picking up the phone.
Irony is not being able to tell a cracked tooth is blowing up bigly from an exposed nerve because pain level from the dislocation on that side the last 40 years has apparently been comparable.
If I get a root canal tomorrow it'll be only my second one in my whole life. If it's just a repair, awesome. The cracked tooth is right by the dislocated side of my jaw that we've been working on.
I'm looking forward to ice cream and pain pills the rest of the week since tomorrow's dental visit will undoubtedly kick off some interesting reverb in my jaw.
In the meantime, I've been enjoying watching the Obi-Wan Kenobi miniseries and a Sliders marathon, hanging out with my chickens, and recently conquering all 3 maps in our latest game event with only 10 players in my fellowship.
I think the whole fake Joe Biden thing is to help control the transition away from using gasoline. If anyone were paying attention, this has been in the agendas for years. Hannity just said "by design". Yes, this is part of the purge. Eliminating petroleum production will limit big pharma. Think it through. Petroleum has been used in health care products for decades, and people have been getting more sickly the whole time.
Everything we are seeing happen in the 'news' is distraction, it's giving us a focal point to place blame. Those of us who've been aware how saturated baby foods and sugared cereals have been with Monsanto bleed off of chemicals and what a lot of the farming industry has been feeding animals in industrial feed lots are not at all sorry to see these things being pulled from the public. Some of us have been aware for decades and this is the first time in my whole life I've seen a coordinated effort to clean up all the things that have been making us sick. Again, think it through.
The world food shortage is going to get worse, they say, and yes, I say it's because everyone has forgotten how to garden. In the 'old days', nearly everyone had something growing out back and a few chickens or geese around. There was always something to grab off a vine or a tree or something to butcher if the larder ran a little empty. While they are purging the world of all the bad stuff that's been building up against us, we'll necessarily have to tighten our belts a bit and use our brains strategizing how to navigate food gathering.
I love you guys. I'd love to have the energy to be out there more but real life is ramping up behind the scenes and I need to get ready.
Woke up at 1:20 am and haven't been back to bed at all yet, and it's 8pm now. Not sure yet if euphoric episode is starting, really hope I get a little sleep before it kicks in full blast if it is.
Everything in me is saying nope, just shut this thing.
Now it's Friday.
Did it again, woke up at 1:20 am.
This physical therapy releasing bound up scar tissues has become so arduous that I cannot heal as quickly as the slowed down work is now going, and I think after today's session there is a 2-week break and then I'll assess out for a longer break so this can all sort itself and settle before we go on.
And very seriously, this feels very much like reliving that car accident. It's the kind and level of pain where it's so constant and unremitting that it's slowing my brain down like a sort of processing sludge and I keep losing my place on what I'm thinking about.
But I've had an interesting thought while I spaced out watching a graphic on game a few minutes ago. The graphic repeats in a cycle mimicking a manufacturing production, in this case planks. Since I'm playing from an elven point of view, the factory is a bit alive or magical and the planks are currently just sprouting out of a tree trunk and flying out to land on the ground around it, over and over.
If a person were to pick up a plank from the ground and walk off with it would not affect the replay. Logically, that time loop will always produce the planks over and over, so the planks that are spit out could conceivably just pile up, right. Kind of like a glitch in a minecraft server one year where a property boundary did something to the trees to where an owner couldn't break a log on the borderline but could mount an elephant to break a log of the tree that would snap back into place over and over but the logs still built up in that player's inventory, like an infinity source, which is always bad on an economy server because it's a cheat.
What if that could happen in real life. What if we could create a glitch situation where a time loop could produce something indefinitely and it actually worked to excess?
I know there is conservation of matter and energy, but what if there really isn't such a thing? If we are living in an electric universe, could there be a feedback mechanism where excess production amounted to overage on materials? I mean, I can see where this could backfire dreadfully, but if it were a controlled operation, it could be very useful.
I have a suspicion someone somewhere is keeping a secret about being able to really do this.
It's 3:15 now and I've gone ahead and made coffee, just as I did yesterday. I'll just keep gaming until it's time to go to appointment. I don't think I can go back to sleep at all, this is a bit miserable, so I may as well just stay busy being as distracted as possible.
Had a really excellent visit with my psychologist yesterday after my 2-year break from him. I've known him long enough he's practically family in my point of view, so I really enjoyed just checking in on him. He's amazingly still working after some monumental life challenges of his own, and he's still helping other people on top of it, which I utterly respect. I've found myself in my worst years that was the only way I could accept being alive in so much pain or misery. Being useful or helpful for others somehow allowed me to elevate away from the grind of constant self awareness that pain brings. Nothing else ever worked so well, except when I'm alone, the deeper thinking I can manage to go into, the less I have to feel pain or notice misery.
But tonight it's a bit hard to do that because the pain and nerve distraction is underneath my jaw all around the root of my tongue to the point where it feels like I've been roughly reinjured, and it's affecting the way I move my mouth and the pain is referring all up into my cheekbones and temples into what feels like a nasty sinus headahce but it's really pressure and inflammation in nerves and tiny muscles all over my face.
Ah, the coffee is done. Maybe I'll get back on game or something with my coffee.
Timewarp shot, came back and inserted this.
Probably the most important way the invention of microwave ovens have impacted humanity is by getting regular people hooked on watching a countdown timer for a reward. This gaming I've been doing for the last year and a half is all about everything in the game being on separate countdown timers for production and manufacturing and collecting rent, and this week we've got added event quests on its own giant countdown.
Just as minecraft heightened my awareness to real life structures and nature around me as I'm driving and running errands, Elvenar has heightened my awareness of the digital matrix being run on millions of countdown clocks. Everything we do all day long is about waiting for the next scheduled event, be it work and school, our jobs and everything we do in them, vacations and other recreations, on down to bills being paid and food being cooked. Everything everywhere is time running backward to a zero point. Minecraft had a little of this with the furnaces refining blocks, but Elvenar has dialed it up to all-consuming levels.
I'm not a time oriented person. I'm not usually late anywhere but I seem to keep noticing patterns on clocks, like I just happened to notice 4:44 going by and I've been unconsciously waking up to certain times for years, but for the most part clocks are like mirrors to me. I barely look at either one no matter what I'm doing. The only reason I notice most of the time is because I pick up a phone with a lockscreen tossing giant numbers at me. It's uncanny how often I pick up my phone on very certain esoteric numbers.
I'll get back to this, gotta go.
*hours go by*
So this happened.
Out of all the fellowships competing for top rank in the most rigorous event that world class game server has to offer, I was just praised for laying the groundwork strategy for a very winning team.
My secret- I say it's just a game, real life comes first, if you are stressing you need to walk away and take a break, don't assign jobs in case someone is in a car wreck or falls down stairs and winds up in ER for hours, praise the team for being self directed self motivated nice people who do their own homework looking ahead and communicating well to the group about strategies, and made lots of funny jokes. In short, I enjoyed the game and the people playing it with me for their own sakes.
THAT over several months of events created a very winning team. There was no game strategy, there was a PEOPLE strategy.
Imagine if everyone were like that about everything in life. This world would be a more joyful and very productive place. Imagine WE THE PEOPLE being in charge of our own local governments and being free to help rebuild more intuitive processes.
I am very experienced with surviving depression. I know how to manage a group of very stressed out people during covid lockdowns.
And basically, despite the very smart people in that old group I was in, that was basically a "You're the smartest person on this whole game" compliment. I created an atmosphere that felt like the kind of family holiday you dream of, glad to see each other, being silly under pressure, and total forgiveness for slipping up, which happens a lot during events like these. The last thing I ever want to instill in another person is self recrimination.
And now it's Saturday.
So I actually got assessed out of physical therapy a day early, which was yesterday, and I'm on break now till next fall. My worst fibro flares happen through summer heat because temp change between being outside and coming back into AC affects every muscle in my body for some reason, has for many years. I wear sweaters in the house, but I cannot tolerate the inside of the house getting hot like outside. I don't know if it's partly from the accident or years of meds or what, but temp regulation is really hard on me. I just know I was never like this until that accident.
Anyway, have nearly full range of motion back in my neck, ear pain is nearly negligible and I'm able to function around my house again pretty well. Still rough sitting for gaming or reading too long and sleeping too hard still sets off tension headaches because I'm holding one position too long, but life in general is ever so much more joyful now than earlier in the year when I was dealing with daily migraines and vertigo from my jaw being locked up so hard. I still have a ways to go for more improvement, so hopefully my primary will refer me back in after the summer heat is over.
Back to the countdown timers. I have a number of threads on twitter thinking about time and how it is used as a control mechanism. Here are a few highlights from several threads. I'm not going to source them because they are easily searched via twitter's internal search engine and also because that would be useless if I lose this account and you can't see the source anyway.
Let's go a little deep now.
There is another long thread but I'm tired of the screencaps. Basically, I make the point that our entire planet is being degendered. It currently looks like regendering, but if you look back over time you can see that bees pollinate gendered plants and they started dying off. Grains all over the world are becoming GMO. Many fruits are now 'seedless', some like bananas are grafts from one original plant. It's not just humans being tinkered with.
A lot of 'wakening' accts are about the esotericism behind the political events and structures that have been shaping our world toward new world order for hundreds and even thousands of years. People are jumping on board like it's the latest thing since gravy flavored potato chips. I'm about to get really annoying.
You do not need to learn Kabbala/Rosicrucian/masonic/illuminati whatever math to 'wake up' and 'get it'. Yes, some very savant people, likely some of them autists, are putting this huge puzzle together about it, but follow what I'm about to say.
We naturally live out calculus every day without one shred of conscious thought about it. Our bodies and brains and all life in the whole ecosystem around us NATURALLY perform math functions continually without any of it needing to be consciously necessary.
The reason the esoteric math is so important is because THAT IS HOW THEY TRAPPED US AND LOCKED US INTO THIS DIGITAL MATRIX TOWARD NEW WORLD ORDER. Understanding what they did and how they are still doing it is vital, yes, but it's not necessary to actually living a good life. The same thing happened with words, very subtle word tricks being used over and over like sliding into our DMs and changing the way we think and behave without us even being aware of it.
Think this through. We are trained to love symmetry and chanting rhymes like in pop music. We are trained from very young ages through institutions around us to bond with and defend those institutions being 'orderly'. We are trained very subtly to associate certain styles of things around us with right and wrong without even discussing it. I've met people who are able to see how the digital matrix is binding the physical matrix through all our minds. Imagine realizing for the first time all your life that a certain angle is used in all professional artwork over the last several hundred years. Imagine being able to see this applied to all major cities and shipping centers all over the world on maps. Imagine everywhere you look you see the pattern repeated and repeated and no one else sees it. I met a person who was able to show me these things and it was stunning. I met another person who gets how that is used in wording and it opened my mind like nothing else has. I'm still not very good at it because I never studied, but I know a great about many other things and I can affirm how these patternings have been locking all of us into very layered depths of compliance most of us can't even begin to imagine.
Human brains love patterns. We excel at noticing our natural world doing things on all kinds of little schedules. But something or someone came along and captured this operation into a fake copy of 'natural rhythm'. Humans lived a very long time without clocks and work schedules. Humans did many cool things without legalism defining what is allowable and what is not. Humans as a wild species are very capable of surviving in groups without bigger groups telling them what to do.
Most of humanity is no longer 'wild'. We are owned and manipulated all our lives, mostly into compliance to whatever is directing all this. We even self perpetuate the process automatically, replacing natural intuition with patterned responses to every situation. We assume what we are born into is natural, it's not. Most of us wouldn't have a clue how to survive off grid even for a day if we had to. We can't imagine saving ourselves from a world gone mad.
I'm going to stop here, it's late and I'm tired. I have so much more to say but it's scattered on medias and lately it's been very difficult remembering things because thoughts fall out of my head so immediately. I don't know if it's the pain levels I've been going through last 8 weeks, but it's getting ridiculous and I need to pull back and take a big break from socials.
I still love you guys, and I'm still here. You can always find me somewhere, and when you do, know that I know and I'm hugging you in my head.
This is one of the sets of exercises I'm supposed to do in between therapy sessions. A nearly flattened beach ball is enough to take head weight off while slowly turning my head from side to side and holding for a 30 count. I'm commanded NOT to push into pain. I'm horrible for powering through because my whole life has been such high pain. I'm really liking my hair getting long again, just noticed that.
This next one is since my jaw hasn't been moving in track (think knee, joint out of track) for so long, I'm supposed to practice slowly opening and closing with my tongue on the roof of my mouth as a guide to keep the movement straight. I can't believe how hairy my nose is. +_+
I've gotten pix fresh out of therapy a couple of times, but I'm not going to share them. My face swells up and I look pretty rough for 1-2 days. Short of actually bruising (which I did the first week, which is normal in ASTYM therapy where you shred fascia for muscle release and reheal, which improves blood flow and lowers inflammation), I look like I'm having some kind of anaphylactic reaction but it's just my tissues hyper reacting to pressure points and deep tissue work.
You hear that it takes so many muscles to smile vs frown and stuff, but you truly have no idea how many teeny weeny muscles are all over your face and inside your jawline until you've had them massaged. Everything from the back of my skull up to temples is involved with my jaw and that isn't including fibro flare reactions that refer all around and further down my neck, back, and collarbone.
At this point the goal is to get as much work done as we can in time allotted without causing more hyper reaction setbacks than I can handle. I've never had so much pain associated nausea in physical therapy in the 11 years I've been going for problems all over my body because of that car wreck. I was told on day one that working around jaw and back of skull can set off migraines, they weren't kidding.
In the meantime I'm having flashbacks galore of the accident, which has been a little overwhelming. On top of that, the pain spikes have been triggering rapid switching and even sharing overlays with my fragment mes (I'm psychologically dissociated) and it's getting really obvious now we're not sure who is running what in my body. A number of times in this last month I've caught my right hand responding to keyboard more like a random child whacking any old key both in gaming and typing somewhere, finally hit me two of me are operating together (a first!!!) and the one running right hand either isn't able to hand eye coordinate like this or is too young to and has never done this before. It's not consistent, so it's not a real nerve problem or anything, just suddenly really random sloppy clicking something wrong in gaming with the mouse and then all kinds of frustration crab inside my head yelling to pay attention, LOOK at what I'm doing, and I'm all like.... I've been playing this game for 18 months and never had this much of a problem before even when I realize we've been taking turns. It's mostly noticeable that one of me is impatient and will go to any lengths draining the bank without strategizing timer countdowns, and another me comes up from behind cleaning up that mess and getting everything back in order. But this two of me running a keyboard and mouse at the same time is getting interesting.
As you can imagine, it's not taking much to wear me out while this has been going on, and I'm starting 3rd month now. I'm not sure if we'll be extending again or not, depends on insurance and how I assess at the end of this round.
All the same, kiddos are coming over later and I'm set up for us to make homemade ice cream. Metering out pain med as slowly as I can to make them last as long as possible. In the old days doctors had me on handfuls of vicodin, skelaxin, librax, naproxen, and even more than that, lived a bit drunk on meds for years till I figured out none of that was working. Got cleaned off and I've been having my current primary strictly monitor and count out pills. I'm allowed just enough low level xanax to keep mood more even (pain is outrageous on mood) because nothing else seems to work for me without weird consequences, and one tramadol a day, which I break in half and try to stick to just half a day when I need it most. Med addiction sucks, never want to wind up there again. I can stretch a week's worth of pain meds for most people over a month and sometimes even two, so I feel like I'm handling all this really well.
Looking forward to that ice cream. Chewing has been rough.
Today was brutal. Well, now it's yesterday. It was still really cool, though.
I've been going through physical therapies all over my body for over a decade, mostly for that accident. Today really took the cake on how much I can really take pain wise.
I thought doing nerve impingement work around my shoulder was about the hardest stuff I'd ever been through, but that was nothing compared to my face. Aside from living with a dislocated jaw for years, I'm also living with a severe nervous sysem disorder that over responds to everything in my body. You've heard of frozen shoulder, right. Imagine your entire musculature related to everything facial doing that.
People have said I look so young for my age all my life, kinda starting to wonder now if it has more to do with fibrotic healing response than anything. Everything in my muscles hardens over time and I've had to undergo 'maintenance' ASTYM in physical therapy a few times on top of actual physical therapies.
Whatever it is, the pain is about as rough as anything I've ever gone through including the car wreck itself. Nerve healing = turning pain back on after nerves have gone numb. It had already been affecting my speech and swallowing for years. Did you know your tongue muscles in your throat can get frozen like frozen shoulder?
The worst of the pain at the moment is around my cheek bones and temples. Ear pain has been significantly lightening up but still a bit rough. I first brought up ear pain in a hand written journal in 2003. For years it felt like ice picks stabbing into my ear drums. Once that numbed out it turned more into vertigo, but not the kind people normally get with the crystals in ear fluid thing. This is from compressed nerves. The work we did today swelled up my face again, and it's a bit miserable trying to lay down to sleep even on my back, because base of skull and down my neck are affected, as well.
I can't do pain meds any more like I used to, all I can handle this year is half a tramadol once a day, but I took another half tonight. I was so desperate for distraction after therapy today that I dove back into minecraft really hard. Wiped out the launcher a nephew had me install this last winter and got back to mo creatures, got the downloads there. I don't care that it's still 1.12, it's familiar because I played that on multiplayer for years and as soon as I had a singleplayer world loaded in I actually felt happy again, and I noticed for once there were no interruptions at all the entire time I felt happy.
omg I'm proofreading and just noticed this. You guys won't know what it means.
Back to proofreading.
I modified the seed I had created to something simpler but meaningful and immediately got exactly the kind of area I dream of, and it was so blessed with basic materials that I had easy startup with basic effort, nothing ridiculous. I already have in mind what I want to do, so maybe this summer I'll have a really cool beautiful home I can go hide in when I need to.
And that seed sync across internet that I was hoping for (lol, my AI experiment) actually worked, I was able to pull something up in search and get incredible results. I keep telling people we're already personally interacting with AI all our lives and no one takes me seriously because they can't see it or it's not on the news or something.
I would put screenshots in but I play on a different laptop. I'll get around to minecraft blogging later.
I can still feel it, under the surface now. A very old memory, perhaps, not quite ready to break a rippling surface of seawater, vague and unreachable, but I can almost see a shape now.
One more week till I touch base with psychologist again after nearly two years off. Still hoping he has that chess board.
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