dreamescape

That was hard to wake up. It's been at least 30 minutes.

Deep in dream and our lives were a little different but the people were all the same. My mother-in-law was severely crippled in the dream and couldn't get back into her house from outside. In real life she will be 90 soon and is able to be on her feet ok, also her house doors are flush with the ground outside. In the dream the bottom frame of her door was about shoulder level and there should have been steps down to a deck, but there was a huge hole through the deck and the steps were missing, and the ground was another 15 to 20 feet below the hole. In my dream I knew it was the hole her husband had crashed through when he died and apparently no one had fixed it.

She wanted me to help lift her over the hole to the door above and I knew I wasn't strong enough, so I was starting to tell her let's wait for help when she suddenly grabbed around my waist. For some reason an ancient back injury showed up in my dream, and when she grabbed onto me the pain spiked to the point where I couldn't talk. She grabbed so hard we nearly both fell in the hole, but I was able to pull back enough to flop us the other way onto the deck. I told her I'd go get help and crawled away to my house and laid down.

People showed up at my house in the dream, talking about this and that till 1:00 in the morning, then one looked out the window and noticed my mother-in-law wandering around outside in the yard in the dark. I started to say, "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you" but I couldn't talk. I tried but nothing came out. She was brought in, and as soon as she saw me laying there she rushed at me in a fit of anger and grabbed me again, spiking that nasty pain back up.

I'm not sure how I woke up, don't remember much about waking up. I was about to go right back to sleep except my heart racing got my attention and I realized I was barely breathing really shallow. I couldn't reach out for Scott so I pulled the blanket, except I was almost too weak to pull it. I had to work to pull it off his shoulder. He pulled it back up in his sleep, so I started over. By the time that finally woke him up I was able to start talking. It took another 15 minutes just to be able to sit up.

That was not a normal dream for me. I never dream about my mother-in-law. I rarely even see her because she's still so terrified of covid that she'll barely come out of her house to talk. The covid years have shut her down and she just wants to be left alone.

I feel like what I dreamed was about her dying, and a demon inside her had nowhere to go if she did. I don't normally attribute stuff to demons and I don't think about them because I wasn't raised to. This dream felt like both portent and frustration, and whatever it was made me stop breathing in my sleep long enough to be a problem. I was wearing CPAP and used it just fine last night, so that shouldn't have happened.

That's the kind of stuff that happened last year after I wrote the Stefani post, and it was bad enough to land me in hospital and had doctors passing me around for months. It stopped completely when my daughter nearly died and I left the state to be with her. It never started back up like that when I came back.

Lately I shared a couple of high trigger things on twitter and it started back up again. This is the second time this month.

One of these days I'll get too weak to keep breathing. When I'm like that there is no adrenaline, no fight, which is so unlike my normal fight or flight hair trigger that I know I came close. It's all I can do in those situations to make myself take a deeper breath over and over enough to be able to move. When I do finally get enough air in, my whole body goes into convulsive shivers that go on for several minutes. They're uncontrollable and don't stop till my muscles feel like they've gotten enough air. I remember the sheep we butchered when i was a kid doing that as they bled out.

I have looked into tech torture, neuro torture, stuff that that. It describes everything I go through. I have a spiritual pact in place, published in 2 places, called Thorns II. Whatever is dished out to me will be received back double. I asked God for that. If I die, they die. If someone I love dies, so does someone they love, and so on. Whatever I go through, they suffer with me as long as they inflict.

A strong attempt was made tonight, and it felt purposeful. This was a directed dream and I was attacked. I've been careful not to make a big deal of this stuff for well over a year now, but I'm done with decorum and whether I look crazy. Just as I started doxxing the weird phone calls I got for years, I will start sharing in detail what's done to me during attacks.

And I'll say again, I'm not feeling suicidal. If my blogs disappear that's not me doing it, and if I go silent, you'll know why. I've been blogging publicly since 2004 and was on twitter for over ten years and I'm not going to shut up.