wisdom & understanding

James 1:5 (KJV) "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." 

I was fairly youngish, early teens I think, when I ran into that verse on my own. I got baptized I think in 1974, pretty sure I was 13, and I never even thought about it being Mother's Day, but later I found out my mom was pleased about that. That's mostly how I remember about when it was because I am horrible with dates. My dad bought me my first bible, real leather dyed a beautiful blue, like this, 

although it partially faded to a sort of weird mossy green in patches over many years and heavy use. My dad rarely picked out anything to buy for me himself, so that made a big impact on me. Anyway, by the time I read that verse I was probably 14 or 15.

I took that verse very seriously. I very seriously prayed to God for wisdom and I have never forgotten it, partly because I've so monumentally screwed up my life a few times 😂, partly because I've learned so much from being an idiot so often, and partly because people have actually told me I'm wise. I've also been called a prophet several times. I said all that to say I wasn't instantly given a head full of utter wisdom, but in my opinion, that prayer created a thread of understanding I would eventually come to deeply appreciate.

I won't repeat all my idiocies because I've been blogging so long that they're probably all out there somewhere. Anyone who wants dirt on me can easily find it because I spent so much time dissecting my life, which I used to call doing an autopsy, spreading my brain out like a bunch of guts trying to see what happened.

If you are new to me, I am a dissociated person with scattered memories and fairly severe time disorientation, so blogging helps me keep a few things straight. I cycle through rethinking and remembering every so often, and through years of blogging I have discovered I can stay on track a little better if I do a yearly review.

So ten years ago I was PinkyGuerrero on twitter, freshly back from a hiatus where I completely stopped logging into internet, which was very refreshing. If you'd like to know more about my past without having to go dig, here you go. You're welcome.

5 years from now and scaffolding 👈click (I'll wait.)

Awesome, now I can skip all the rest of the in between stuff and move along. I can actually get to my point faster now.

Coming back out public was a focused attempt at a couple of goals I set to get through intense challenges, including a life crash involving my entire nervous and immune systems that sent me spiraling through 18 years of disabilities and depressions that were literally sink or swim, life or death. I'm doing much better now, but along the way I was easily distracted from my purpose and used by others for mostly attention and head gaming on social medias, but also by some who saw me as a possible money maker for things they were wanting to do. I bounced around like a pinball, nested with a group here and there, disentangled, moved on, etc. A lot of it looked like a waste of time, some of it was pure fail, but along the way, I kept blogging, kept writing, at least stayed focused on the discipline of what I was trying to do, even if I was flailing around and hitting walls. Pinky grew a small weird world fan base that turned into very weird business trolling, and I'm still getting contacted several times a week by people wanting to turn my stuff into their money.

I'm very tired of all that. I've learned loads, yes, but the last ten years of online presence have been ridiculous and not me but people steering me. As my psychologist said many years ago, I am easily led. I'm tired of that. I want to let go, delete everything, just live a very quiet life.

But I prayed for wisdom... My compulsion to keep checking the world pulse, keep seeing what you guys are thinking about it all, keep finding deeper truths and meanings, keep discovering who we really are in all this madness is what has driven me all my life. I was born to see not just bigger but biggest picture. Me and God have been talking this out all my life and I'm obviously not done yet. And God apparently wants me to keep writing because he literally helped me come back from such massive fail over so many years that I've become very, very good at it, despite ALL the challenges.

So I was in church about 3 weeks ago thinking about how I'd like to stop, just let this all go, and I got NO. So I asked what I can even do, I've screwed up my purpose so much skewing into entertainment writing and hanging out with weird crowds, and I got BE YOURSELF. And then I got KEEP WRITING. And that was really interesting because I had completely stopped writing for the first time since 2012. Over the last few months I've barely blurbed, and I didn't miss it.

Be myself.

Keep writing.

And then I saw it, how to do it. I saw how to keep it simple. I saw how to say it.

It would seem I'm not finished yet.

Back to wisdom and understanding, and I'll say this very simply. Sometimes you gotta throw up on a roller coaster ride before walking a path makes sense. Sometimes seeing from other angles and perspectives highlights why a path is important.

And here I'll say exactly how I see it.

This world was always magical and beautiful and bountiful, and coming into this world to experience it was always meant to be a blessing. Being here experiencing and learning the way we do is a neat thing. We're not just a tree or an animal, we're not stuck like a rock, we're not unattached like a wind. We can see and say after we do and experience. We can weep and enjoy and create and hug and learn so many things in a world like this.

But this world has been a captured operation from the git-go. Call it what you will, describe it how you wish, the fact remains that from the very start this 'program' was interrupted for reasons outside of US. We are captives in a very long war for control and dominance. Some call it Satan, some call it ETs, some call it AI, some call it the controllers, and so much more. I've been out there looking at all the ways people see this and all the things they call it and all the ways they describe it, and the common theme behind everything is that this world was interrupted from the outside by an outsider, not of this world. One of the reasons we've been given is that this outsider influence was bitterly upset about the way this world was set up for US and has been ever since influencing us to tear it up, destroy it, rebuild it, run it all differently, and we're to the point now of completely reprogramming every living thing on this earth if you look into all the research. Modification of plants, animals, humans, weather, gowing cycles, you name it, it has been or is being modified or is in process of planning for modification. Everything natural is being rewritten, recoded, reconstructed, restructured, redirected into MACHINE.

Because there is no other kind of natural. There is no other way to remake this world without making it a machine. The entire thing.

Who in their right mind would even want that? Who in the world could possibly think that big and that long to have been working on this for not just all our lives, but all our history? 

Who, indeed.

So that got me to really thinking from a different point of view. We might ask where God is in all this, why isn't he doing something about it...

I'm about to be very disturbing for some of you. I'll put it into simple religious terms and you guys maybe let the idea percolate and then see if it applies to the world we see around us.

Originally, if there is really a Lucifer, God loved him just as he loved all he creates. God isn't a hater. God likes making cool stuff and cool beings to enjoy cool stuff. God is a cool guy. If the story is even partially true, someone threw a fit about us being created on this world. Not just a fit, a nasty tantrum, an argument that led to heaven (whatever that really is) being ripped apart. So this isn't just about us, and we might not even be the main characters in this long story. If that or something like that really happened, whether you call it ETs or programmers or controllers or even an ancient artificial intelligence, very honestly given our worldwide history, then there is a main character outside of our understanding and a plot going on around something we aren't even part of BUT are captured into.

Let's think this through.

Our world was set up to be awesome by Someone. A someone else got upset about it to the point of a real war being fought over it and the dissenting followers all being banished from whatever. They hijacked the system, our world, with a vendetta that is lasting for many, many thousands of years. The goal appears to be to 'reinvent' this world into a different image and purpose, and the strategy seems to be using human minds to get this done, however long this takes.

Cut back to Someone, who also set up the someone else. The Someone loves all that he/she/it invents, even the wayward. The Someone is allowing the someone else to capture and try to control with conditions. We humans are prisoners of war, as it were, BUT when we cry out from our souls on 'the name of the Lord', we are allowed clemencies and given perks. We get cheats because it's not our faults this happened to us. And the someone else is being given every opportunity to say You know what, I was stupid and did a dumb thing and I'm sorry, because the Someone is that gracious, that cool, that tolerant, that every chance is being given for all this to turn around. But it's going to play out because someone else is so selfish and mean that every last one of us (or nearly) will be wrung to death off this earth before the Someone calls Time and makes it all stop and then says YOU'RE DONE.

I think we'd see it like letting someone wreck something up to make a point.

And I think that is why there is such dissonance in the bible about humans being so blessed and still being so tortured. Just making it through all this makes us heroes, and if there really are angels assisting and betting on outcomes, this is a very big deal that we don't even have a clue about.

And again, whatever words you want to insert to make sense, basically I'm saying that whatever is going on in politics and whatever, it's all part of a much bigger war over this world than we can imagine.

And if that truly is the case, it really is going to play out until it's just all wrecked or something. It might not look wrecked, like if whoever is left is herded into smart cities and transitioned into the machine, yeah, it might look like peace on earth, but free will might arguably be gone forever. (If you aren't aware of the UN agendas, digging into those might help with understanding what is coming.)

And back to wisdom again. I was out there getting lost in all the info, sifting and sorting it all out from opinionating and media whitewashing. I found stuff that would curl your eyeballs and melt your brains. The undertaking to synchronize us all into agendas is massive. But it's important to understand that is God's thing. He's the one monitoring the drags on his creation, he's the one judging when the time is right to say ENOUGH, he's the one keeping track of all the pain being dealt out on the rest of us. From where I am right now, wisdom for me is stepping back away from all that now. Focusing back on being myself is the right thing to do. I am a tiny person in a big world, and I'd really like to enjoy being here, now that some of my big challenges are resolving, because originally, that is what this world was made for, for me to enjoy being here loving my people. I'm done with the fear crap all around us, done with the head game playing and mind bending and compulsions to react.

My life here is between me and God.