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Hadn't been able to get into minecraft for a couple of weeks, finally got my first beacon done. That was an insane amount of work. Also, that isn't my arm. Minecraft/Microsoft did another update, my 'device' (gaming laptop) can no longer support my skin, had to go through my new MS/MC account to reupload my skin and so far it's still not working. So I'm Steve.
They can't make it easy...
All that water will be a town square or something soon. I hope. My time crunch has been pretty real.
Today is continuing with last week's deck washing as prep for refinishing. This was last week when we suddenly got rained out for days. Weather prediction in these parts is fairly guessy sometimes.
Dunno when we'll get to the wraparound back deck, which is roofed so it's not such a problem. We've been discussing whether to sell or stay, obviously can't really stay in a 3 story house with aging issues because that would be fall risks galore, plus we're tired. We've been here 29 years and talked about all kinds of projects but kept getting sideswiped by numerous other real life stuff, so now we're thinking about just letting this go and moving onto the lot across the street. It's flatter, so chickens would be way easier. My back yard is a 45 degree angle down into thick woods on steep flint, great for wildlife, not great for much else. We never did get a patio and grill put in back there, never got a garage built, never finished a retaining wall, and that's just the back. I know that makes us sound lazy, but Scott built this house and the matching shed and chicken house (which is like a real little house with electricity) and still worked overtime the whole time we've been here, plus went to all of Twink's games, so basically you could say we gave up the 'dream home' for living real life. Anyone reading through my other blogs can see all the other real life that went along nonstop.
So we're hoping to build another much smaller house across the street in the next couple or 3 years while we strip this one down getting ready to sell it. Comes with 4 acres of pristine woods and an asphalt street, not a typical neighborhood but at least it's accessible. This subdivision is mostly just really quiet with people carving out smallish houses along the wild rocky ridge, but we're minutes away from millionaires hiding out in the hills in really nice digs. You cannot tell from driving the highways around here how much money resides in these hills and hollers.
We're not money people. We're work hard people. Some of us do our own labor and have nice things.
In the meantime, I'm doing much better from the last time I brought up how I was feeling. Basic takeaway is in the middle of a 21-day calorie reduction fast when a norovirus swept through the area along with another round of covid as schools were getting back on schedule, I had a rough 5 days (I just stopped eating so I never threw up, thank goodness), and that seems to have flared up my pancreas or something. Once I realized what was happening I diverted to nutrient dense super small portion diet, which you can look up for pancreatitis, and so far so good, liver enzymes slowly going back to normal. Today's lunch example would be a couple of small vegetarian tacos with no spice, which might sound dismal but is actually yummy and filling when you don't feel like eating much. My stomach is a bit puffed up the same way it was when I had CMV in 2007-8, but none of the other symptoms have returned. I really can't say since so many people have no clue what cytomegalovirus is, but since mine made me severely ill for months after a flu shot wiped out my immune system, I can't help wondering if some of the 'covid' mess is really other things like CMV after the vaccines destroyed immunity. CMV can kill a person if their immunity is wiped out, and it can reactivate because once you've had it you're a carrier for life. I haven't heard of a single person being tested for it through this whole covid thing, but the symptoms are certainly all there. CMV is highly contagious. Not to scare anyone, but that's a test anyone could ask for trying to rule out other things besides flu and covid. We're talking hepatitis level sickness. Pretty sure all that has flown under a whole lotta radar last few years.
Because of that and several other severe injuries and illnesses I've been through, I never expected to live this long, and my next challenge coming on will be congestive heart failure, which is genetic and not very stoppable. I'm not in bad health any more, but damage has been done and the rest of my life is about coasting through as stress free as possible. I'm currently watching from a distance one of my kids' in-laws going down with defcon cancer, pretty much my age, and feeling pretty lucky. I feel really bad for her. I hope the rest of her journey is as easy as possible. And Scott's on a tentative second cancer watch. First one is fine, not progressing (yay!), second one is a weird blip that we're waiting to see tests on, more likely over-caution from his primary making sure he's ok. His nerves are a bit shot, but he's dealing really well, staying busy and enjoying the kids when we see them. Still working a full time (overtime) job at 65. Guess we'll see how it goes.
My latest thing to learn with psychologist last week was system 1/ system 2 thinking. As I have been readjusting my dissociated fragmented 'selves' into a more cooperative shared layer of functioning since my dad died (more in-depth is mostly on my Basically Clueless blog, a little is on Pink Feldspar), I've been dealing with occasional new ways of fussing at myself. In the old days we'd just fight for control and take it back and forth, now that we are working on sharing space with a sort of peace treaty agreement not to sabotage and try to control each other, I'm getting some really interesting shared experiences, sometimes almost dual experiences. One bad week earlier this summer I was going through one of my sort of rarish bipolar benders coming off a euphoric episode, and during a particular meltdown I was very aware of an agreement to just stop and get on game, BUT it was a couple of noobs who don't usually do the gaming. The premise was sound, gaming is always an excellent way for me to divert from emotionally destructive to positive constructive, BUT it was kind of like a captured operation by people who had no clue what they were doing. At some point on game I caught my head in full cacophony, a backseat driver yelling about something, right hand was on some kind of weird automatic pilot not cooperating at all with left hand, just pressing buttons willy nilly with no regard to anything going on in my head or with my other hand (I suddenly got the impression like a little kid grabbing someone's phone) and my left hand ineptly still trying to do things correctly, and without warning there was SOMEBODY STOP HER and two others crowding in taking the control away before a bunch of buildings got sold off or diamonds got purchased with Google pay. And right after that was a very firm handoff to Yablo and the command GET ON THE GAME.
See, Yablo doesn't care. Yablo is a gamer, true, but Yablo doesn't get emotionally involved and stays super neutral. When Yabs is on game, I'm zoned. You could tell me someone stole my car and blew it up and I wouldn't blink an eye in that mode. So Yablo getting control shoved at them and yanked into front and center to deal was a very abrupt surprise, and Yab did the right thing and focused on game.
I was aware of all of that going on, but observer me (Jacky) wasn't the one making the decisions. I'm not even sure who what where when and why, probably Pinky taking over for a few seconds, and then all was right with the world.
So I went from post-euphoric bipolar meltdown to super schizoid control dogpile to calm gaming in under 2 minutes flat from what I can tell. And after that I was fine.
On the outside no one noticed. On the inside was a blitz of chaotic control fight.
I have to say that I'm kind of proud of the way we cooperated, though. In the old days we'd go through angry tears and feeling super messed up with no way to resolve the mess of emotions. That day was a very interesting revelation of cooperation.
Of course, it's all me, this is only one head, which is mind bending from my point of view.
This was the first day I realized what it has really felt like. Reconcile
Wednesday, September 29, 2021
Reconcile
This whole movie is Pinky and Jacky going through the big final meltdown before coming out for public that I'm a dissociated person. I'm beginning to realize why I never watched anything outside of explosions and sci-fi. I couldn't handle seeing myself yet.
I mean, if you think it's hard coming out about being alt sexual and stuff, imagine dealing straight on about your mental illness that you've subconsciously covered all your life.
I think that's why Pinky went on braincation. It got overwhelmingly real.
And this is my brain finally starting to reconcile.
It's actually a relief to talk about it.
So a big change in my life this summer was going back to church, except this was a clean break from anything left over from my childhood. There was no 'back to', it was more like forward in a new direction. I'm done with legalism in every form. I grew up legalistic with very judgy people. Can't do that any more. Done.
https://jamesriver.church/ if you are curious.
I'm not saying which campus. They do have armed security, so... It's a pretty huge step out into more public for me. Since people have dug me up in the past and shown up at my door from 12 hours away, yeah. I'm not exactly a paragon of model social media behavior, so yeah.
I need to get back to my day. Hope you guys are having a good Labor Day weekend.
Here's a youtube link if you wanted to check out more of that.
Oh, here's that elevator scene.
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