Good talk between myselves last night. Splitting up to work together is a good idea. Taking turns more. Cooperative strategizing.
Years ago I wrote about gaming my life, which turned into a series.
The Nerdist Way (10-3-12)
Team Nerd (11-1-12)
The Nerdist Wimp (1-1-13)
The Nerdist Score (10-31-13)
The Nerdist Wayfarer (10-1-14)
Back then I wasn't yet aware I am a fragmented person. I did bring up dissociation once in awhile, but I didn't realize it was so drastic, and now I'm diagnosed. The highs and lows I go through and feeling lost sometimes have a lot to do with feeling disjointed from myself. Sometimes all I have to do is step back and let someone else step forward.
So last night I was gloomy over how blown this 21 day fast has felt lately, and I honestly asked myself if it was worth even trying to continue. Another me grabbed the phone and immediately started searching intermittent fasting fail and behold, all kinds of support. I wound up in NOOM and was so relieved to find a structured psychological support site that I did all the questions and actually got an estimate without having to pay or register first. I'm smart. I can fill in the gaps. I've had 2 college level nutrition classes plus years of experience, just because I'm slumping emotionally doesn't mean I can't get what I want in my life, right. I've done it before through mountains of duress, I can do it again.
And then a great night's sleep full of spider dreams always helps. Wait... more spiders? The spiders are showing up a lot lately. I woke up very drained, I'd been dealing with some really big weird spiders that could leap off walls morphing into what looked like silky hairy gray gopher spiders, and then once they got outside they could morph into vehicles and start zooming around on highways. Near the end of the last dream last night, the snazzy pickup in front of me had wrecked, and the woman inside was thrown out unconscious and people were standing around asking why I didn't do CPR and mouth to mouth since I'm trained, and I'm all like dude, I am NOT giving mouth to mouth to a spider...
I know exactly where that came from.
There's this thing in my house, like a law, that spiders must present themselves to me. Many years ago I got this spectacularly horrific photo of what looked like a hellish cross between a black fishing spider and a black Missouri tarantula spanning longer than my hand, tucked into a handle just like this one on an identical sliding door in the walk out basement.
If you've never seen one of those crossing a highway, they're deceptively like the blackest chipmunk from hell you ever saw, so fast it's extremely creepy. It's even worse when one is just sitting in the road and you drive over it and then it's gone in the rearview mirror and you know for a fact your tires didn't squish it...
I had that pic on a really old survey, but it's gone now, have searched high and low through nearly 10K hosted uploads and apparently it was sacrificed between a blog host server move and when photobucket upgraded its huge storage one year. I have never since found a spider on the internet that looks like that one did, especially reaching that size, so who knows, maybe it was some kind of cross or undiscovered species. The only other time I saw one similar was when I just missed stepping on one barefoot in my kitchen one night. I have ever since worn socks in my house, hence my obsession with my Pinky sox collection, which a couple of followers in various places have mistaken for a sex fetish. No, it has everything to do with severe arachnophobia.
Anyway, after those incidents, I told God I can't live here in 'Mirkwood' on edge like this, I need for spiders to either never show up on my radar, or they need to step out and be executed, because I am queen of my house and spiders have no business being in my house. From that time on, spiders have been stepping tentatively out into my view and just freezing until they are killed, and it's become so obvious over the years that it's been happening that I believe what I requested is being honored. If spiders don't want to die, they need to stay in the walls and NEVER come out, that is the rule. I don't mind them being around and eating all the other bugs and even each other, as long as I don't know about it.
One fairly recent example of how this affects the spiders around me is this fun story. I don't even remember the time, just the fact that I was in pajamas in the bathroom, fresh from a hard sleep, and there was no way I had the fortitude to be quick or bendy, plus I was still peeing. Without any warning at all, a bug scuttled hard and fast out from a baseboard straight across the floor and right behind it wrestling it down was the spider police, and dragging it back as fast as it could to back under the baseboard, which was over a foot away. It happened so fast I barely even had time to feel startled. In fact, I had to really admire the voracity of that spider and its ability to get back under that baseboard as quickly as it did with a struggling captive in tow. I imagine if I'd never gotten up, the fight would have gone differently in the still-dark bathroom. Yes, I have asked if we can caulk up all the baseboards. The answer is no.
As I've said in one of my silly surveys-
Are you racist?
Completely. I really loathe spiders and all their kind.
So back to the dream of the truck-lady-spider who didn't look anything like a spider at that point but I knew she was still the spider.
Last week I ran into clinic and found out I had basic stomach flu ripping around the countryside, but this is about the physician assistant or nurse that got me settled in before the nurse practitioner showed up. I usually ignore everything I feel about people, everyone has their own background stuff going on and we're all human, but this lady... She didn't fit. Something was off. She was rigid like military but constantly yapping and in a couple very short minutes I learned her life. She's an EMT doing a second job, her husband has multiple allergies like me, she talked me through everything like she was managing a trauma/crisis (she may have caught my psyche dxs in my chart but people generally wave those off), and the entire time she was diverting my attention to her continual talking while she auto-triaged, it felt like she was presenting to me. I never run into that, where a person actually speed talks their life resume for no reason, and I couldn't feel anything behind it. At all. There was no emotion of any kind, no flat effect. She seemed intelligent and capable but she was so sterile of anything that felt human, more like I was being handled by an automaton or something. She kept looking me right in the eyes and there was nothing. I usually have to work at eye contact, she was easy because she was so empty. I couldn't put a finger on what that felt like till I was walking out later and remembered how spiders present to me. It had felt like she was compelled to present herself to me.
I know we've had decades of fiction about pod people and clones and whatever, but that was the first time I felt like I had really talked to someone like that.
So I think that's where my dream came from. I wonder if the transhuman age will feel like that. Maybe it's already here and we just have no idea.
Ran into other super old pix while I was looking for that spider pic. I made that for a forum, very pre-Trump but 'grass roots' groups already going viral before social medias showed up, probably during the Obama/Glenn Beck years. It was like 'good guys' were rabid and one forum thread got so out of hand I had to just leave. I'll never understand that level of hate and vitriol.
Not sure but I think this was from Continuum about the multiple time loops creating problems that obliterated an original timeline beyond original recognition.
This was my wallpaper for a long time.
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